Special Guest Post – Straight People Don’t Love Chik-Fil-A

Posted: July 20, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

By Token, Our Straight Friend

“I don’t like eating big pieces of onion,” my husband said.  “Then don’t eat them,” I replied.  We then turned to our son and let him know that just because daddy doesn’t like onions doesn’t mean that mommy can’t eat them.  Just because one person doesn’t like something doesn’t mean it should be off limits for anyone else.

 
This week, some statements made by Chick-Fil-A President Dan Cathy about gay marriage created a lot of controversy.  During an interview with the Baptist Press, Cathy said, “We are very much supportive of the family – the Biblical definition of the family unit.  We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives.”  It’s never been a secret that Chick-Fil-A is both family-oriented, or that they have staunch religious beliefs.  Who hasn’t been completely frustrated after seeing a Chick-Fil-A sign, craving some, then realizing it’s Sunday?  Having a strong family unit is important to many people and it’s admirable that they strive to maintain that strength in their lives and in their business.
 
Cathy then went on to state in the same interview, “…we know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on Biblical principles.”  Also very admirable.  He knows that not everyone believes the same things he does, but we are Americans and we have the freedom to believe what we want.  However, Cathy later said on The Ken Coleman Show, “I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say ‘we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’ and I pray God’s mercy on our generation that such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”  Well, Mr. Cathy, just as you have the right to operate on your principles, I have the right to express my disagreement with your beliefs by not spending another dollar at your restaurants.
 
I may be what some call a “bad Catholic.”  I disagree with some of the basic teachings of the Church, namely gay marriage and the right to choose, because I believe that each person should come to his or her own conclusions about important issues and not blindly follow what he or she is told.  The “I was just following orders” defense didn’t work for the Nazis at Nuremberg.  t also know that the Church is imperfect, what with all the molestation scandals and cover-ups.  But what I have always been taught is that our God is a God that loves.  He loves all people.  I seem to remember something in the Bible about the man who has never sinned casting the first stone?  I attended a church that had a priest who said the Bible never condemns gay marriage, only homosexual sex, as it is a type of premarital sex, and all premarital sex is wrong.  Many members of clergy would disagree with this statement.  Clearly, passages in the Bible are subject to interpretation.  The bottom line is, God is not here to tell us exactly how he defines marriage.  Perhaps the audacity lies in the belief of some that we can interpret the words in the Bible to justify hate.  I could go on at length about the Westboro Baptist Church, Matthew Shepherd, and many other examples of such hate, but I won’t.  Hate is wrong and the God I know taught his believers not to hate but to love.  I believe it was something along the lines of “love thy neighbor.”  It’s on that list of the 10 Really Important Things.  Commandments, perhaps?
 
Hate is often born out of fear.  Interracial marriages were still illegal in some states as recently as the 1960s.  Why?  Because people feared what would happen if blacks and whites got together?  That seems like an antiquated notion now, but it was widespread not so long ago.  Obviously racism still exists, but much of that same vitriol is now directed toward the gay population.  Why?  What’s so wrong about it?  Some people argue that allowing gay marriage is a slippery slope to allowing bestiality, child molestation, etc.  We’re not talking about defenseless children or animals.  We’re talking about two consenting adults.  Perhaps instead of worrying about defining marriage as gender-related, we should think about marriage as an expression of love between two consenting adults.
 
Today, Chick-Fil-A the corporation released what appears to be a statement that is attempting to do some damage control.   The statement says, “The Chick-Fil-A culture and service tradition in our restaurants is to treat every person with honor, dignity and respect – regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender.  We will continue this tradition in the over 1,600 restaurants run by independent owner/operators.  Going forward, our intent is to leave the policy debate over same-sex marriage to the government and political arena.”  A nice effort, but Chick-Fil-A has a history of giving a lot of money to anti-gay organizations.  Is that really treating people with honor, dignity and respect?
 
Chick-Fil-A makes some darn good food.  There’s no concern over pink slime at these restaurants.  At the recently opened Chick-Fil-A near me, the employees each carry around packs of wipes to clean down tables and trash areas, instead of the unhygienic wet rags you see at other restaurants.  That says a lot about their feelings on cleanliness and family-friendliness, given how many children are in that restaurant.  However, I cannot financially support a corporation that believes in denying rights to a group of people based on something that is genetically within them.  While I understand that this will punish the independent owners and employees who may not share the same beliefs as the corporation, I do not want any more of my dollars to support organizations that spread hate.  While I respect the staunchness of the Cathy family’s beliefs, I respectfully disagree because I believe our God would not support such hate.
 
As our son grows, my husband and I will teach him that it is important to respect those who have differing opinions and to politely disagree.  We will also teach him that it’s never acceptable to use phrases such as “that’s so gay” and the word “fag” should only be used in reference to cigarettes while in the UK.  I hope that all believers come to understand that God does not want us to spew hate in his name and that we can all learn to respect one another for our differences and love as God taught us.

America, WTF?

Posted: June 28, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Ok, it’s been a long silence here at lesbian humor blog, but we saw two things today that finally motivated us to post:

1)  http://sfist.com/2012/06/27/sf_to_hold_vigil_for_texas_lesbian.php?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter.  Yes, we still don’t know for sure that these women were murdered for being lesbians, though it sure looks that way.  A sad reminder that America is STILL not safe for young gay people.  America, WTF?

2) http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/how-could-you-boycott-a-cookie?sub=1640030_391645.  Ok, let’s just get unpack this for a moment.  People are boycotting…a cookie.  It was ok when that cookie was filled with old-testament prohibited pork lard, and ok when that cookie contributed to diabetes.  But posting a picture of a delicious looking fake rainbow oreo; that’s just too much.  Conserva-assholes of the world, take note:  JESUS SAYS NO OREOS FOR YOU.  In the meantime, more tasty oreos for the rest of us!

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Oh tasty pride oreo, I’d love to take you back to my place and perform some pagan sacrifices with you after you and I finish corrupting America’s youth. 

Lesbians Love “Special” Weddings

Posted: February 6, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Butch, Femme, Identity, Lesbian, Queer, Weddings | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lesbians love weddings. According to the Google Adwords Keywords Tool, the most popular word that people enter into their Google searches after lesbian is not, say, dating, or mullet, or dolphins…no, it is weddings, and wedding variants such as lesbian wedding attire, lesbian wedding suits, lesbian wedding invitations, lesbian wedding planner, etc.  When we asked the Keywords tool for popular search terms after lesbian, 17 out of 24 had wedding in the results (the others included hot button issues like adoption and lesbian clothing).

Wedding blogs certainly seem to love lesbians almost as much as lesbians love weddings– the top search result for lesbian weddings is a tumblr featuring lesbian wedding photos (http://lesbianweddings.tumblr.com/), and Offbeat Bride (offbeatbride.com) include several same-sex weddings.

We’ll take on lesbian weddings again in a future post, but for now here is a top ten list about lesbian weddings:

Top Ten List of Things Queers Think Make Their Weddings Special, But Everyone Else Is Actually Already Doing

1. Wear a bow tie (bonus points if bow tie is found at a thrift store or inherited from grandparent)

2. Make a dress out of an old table cloth (bonus points if table cloth is found at a thrift store or inherited from grandparent)

3. Have a choreographed dance to a song from the 80s, preferably while walking down the aisle

4. Drink out of a mason jar (bonus points if 100 mason jars are found at a thrift store or inherited from grandparent)

5. Have a ceremony that has no gender OR mention of a lifelong commitment

6. Using buttons for things other than closing pants and shirts (bonus points if buttons found at thrift store or inherited from grandparent)

7. Giving the wedding a DIY feel by making bouquets/centerpieces/invitations out of felt, paper, duct tape and buttons (see #6)

8. Walking down the aisle together from the front/back/side/sky/subway tunnel, preferably to a choreographed dance to a song from the 80s

9. Self-catering to give the wedding even more of a DIY feel (bonus points for ample vegan options)

10. Making friends craft stuff for wedding (see #7)

Lesbians and “special” weddings.  What’s up with that?

Single Lesbians Love…

Posted: January 26, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Identity, Lesbian, OKCupid, Queer, Single | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The single lesbian.  Real, or myth?  To be sure, searching for a single lesbian can be like searching for a unicorn or a leprechaun (or a unicorn leprechaun guarding a pot of gold at the end of a very gay rainbow) especially if you yourself are a single lesbian.  We’ve all heard about how our people like to bring U-hauls on the first date and partner up for years – even if there’s no sex involved! (see future post on lesbian bed death)  But the lespreunichaun does exist.  We know – one of us was even single for the better part of six years.  And when single, one likes to think that they are doing everything they can to find a date, or just enjoying being single.  But really, in our totally representative experience, this poorly made  pie chart shows how most single dykes spend their time:

The single lesbian, what’s up with that?

Lesbians Love Mullets

Posted: January 23, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Butch, Femme, Frugality, Identity, Lesbian, Queer | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Perhaps the oldest lesbian stereotype in the book – or at least, the oldest lesbian stereotype in our imaginary book of lesbian stereotypes – is the mullet.  To be sure, the mullet does not belong to lesbians alone.  80s rockers, those stuck in the 80s, and a certain type of southern gentleman also seem to love the style.  But it definitely holds a special place in our community.  Form the full on mullets  made popular in the 70s and 80s:

To the rat-tails of today’s hipster queers:

(Coming soon to a dyke-bar near you!).  The mullet appears to be here to stay.

Lesbians and mullets, what’s up with that?  Do we just like bad hair?  Does the mullet confer some sort of super power, like the ability to seduce anyone else with a mullet?  Is it hiding a tragic cultural mistake (perhaps thousands of women got pink triangles tattooed on the back of their necks in the 80s)?  Well, fortunately, we don’t have to wonder too much, because the same questions were asked in a 2001 documentary called American Mullet:

At least in 2001, lesbians apparently wore mullets for these reasons (all quotes from American Mullet):

1.  Gender Identity:  It’s just easy to take care of and it’s kind of butch, kind of femme.

2.  Transcending Gender:  I think my haircut really is an expression not just of my sexuality but also is an expression of my transgenderism really, meaning transcending gender as a category period.  One of the reasons why I love the mullet is it’s kind of a genderless haircut.

3.  Making an unknown political statement.  My hairstyle is definitely a political statement.  And not that I could look at myself and go what statement am I making?, but look at it the whole history of hair especially for minority groups.

4.  Making an anti-capitalist statement.   It’s not a cut that was necessarily appropriated by, you know, the capital machine….This is a cut that was really enduring that capitalist battle.

5.  Other lesbians have them.  I’ve seen it on a lot of lesbians you know that’s one of the reasons I wear it because I’ve seen it around.

Lesbians and mullets, what’s up with that?

Lesbians Love Identity Words, Redux

Posted: January 20, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Femme, Identity, Lesbian, Queer, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ok, we thought we’d said all there was to say about lesbians and identity words in our first post.  But then we heard about FemmeCon,2012.  Here is an excerpt from the FemmeCon Facebook page:

We don’t think there’s much to add to our initial post about lesbians and our love of identity words except:

1)   Oops, we left out “IA/SGL,” “genderphile,” and “same gender loving” from our initial list of words that lesbians like to use to describe themselves.  Consider this an apology for any IA/SGL same gender loving genderphiles who felt excluded by our first post.

2)   It seems like we could basically have a conference called “People Con” and accomplish the same goals of making sure absolutely no one is excluded from the discussion.  And we’d save about 400 words!

3)   Everything is more funny when read by a computer-animated animal, so here’s a video of Talking Tom explaining the goals of Femme2012:

Lesbians Love Justin Bieber

Posted: January 9, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Butch, Identity, Lesbian, Queer | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Lesbians love Justin Bieber. Lesbian bars have Justin Bieber look alike nights. For example, here are some photos from San Francisco Cockblock’s night dedicated to “the Bieb”:

Yes, thats right. A bar full of lesbiqueerdyketronetc’s all trying their best to look like a 17 year old boy. This phenomenon is so popular, there’s a blog just about lesbian’s who look like “The Bieb”: http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/.

So, we were going to write a long post about Mr. Bieb, asking the usual WUWT questions. Like, is it the dykealicious hairdo? Proof that many lesbians want to look like 17 year old andro boy bots? A darker secret lesbian desire to do 17 year old andro boy bots? A coincidental love of all things hipster?

Yes, we were going to. But then we found this picture of our Bieb-friend at Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve, and now we believe we have our answer.

Folks, lesbians love Justin Bieber because he is a lesbian, perhaps the most famous lesbian in the media today.

Lesbians Love Sea Mammals

Posted: December 1, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Lesbian, Queer, sea mammals | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

In the immortal words of Margaret Cho, Lesbians. Love. Sea Mammals.

Lesbians have a long history with lesbian cruises; the popular line Olivia Cruises is currently celebrating its 40th year.  Olivia cruises allow dykes to “sail the seas on a cruise with 1800 lesbians . . . . so it’s all women, all the time.”  1800 lesbians confined to a single boat is a joke for another post, so we’ll stick to Olivia’s destinations.  Olivia’s cruises feature a panoply of sea mammal excursions, including whale watching in Alaska, a Curacao Dolphin Encounter and Swim in the Caribbean, the chance to view “marine iguanas, Galapagos tortoise, sea lions, and adorable penguins” in the Galapagos and lake-swimming with Amazonian pink river dolphins.  In case you were unclear, here’s a photo of a lesbian and a pink river dolphin from the Olivia website – can you feel the love?

Rival company sweet, meanwhile, offers eco-friendly (another thing lesbians love) cruises to similar sea-mammal rich destinations such as Alaska and the Caribbean.  These ladies look ready for a good whale watch!

And it’s not just cruises.  Groups such as Blue Water Ventures take women sea kayaking on trips with titles like “Baja Whales and Wildlife,” “the Florida Manatees,” and “Seals and Sea Otter Watch by Kayak.”  On one recent BWV trip — “Whales and Wildlife Kayak for Women” – guests were even invited to join in costume as their favorite marine animals!  Sadly, no photos of this event are available on the BWV website.

So, lesbians and sea mammals.  What is up with that?  Is it:

  • The pink bottle nose?
  • The size of the sea mammal as metaphor for acceptance of a larger than average body type?
  • The combination of reliable lesbian activity favorites such as being in nature and being around other lesbians?
  • The way sea mammals do it – e.g. the scissoring capabilities of the sea otter?
  • The androgyny of the sea mammal, with males and females blending into amorphous blobs of flesh?
  • That the whale is nature’s pick-up truck?
  • The emotional complexity of the large sea-mammal (matched only in nature by the emotional complexity of the lesbian)?
  • The similarity between the sonorous sounds of the whale and some of the Indigo Girls more introspective pieces?

Lesbians and sea mammals.  What is up with that?

Lesbians Love Tea

Posted: December 1, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Lesbian, Queer, Tea | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

In the seminal lesbian film Go Fish the camera pans across a hundred different boxes of herbal tea on the shelf.  I know people are carrying herbal tea around in their Clean Canteens in the Mission right now.

Do women just love tea? Is it that tea drinking an affront to American masculinity, thus most American tea drinkers are predominantly women?

Tea is affordable.  A tea bag costs what, ten cents? Is this rooted in the long history of lesbian frugality? From women earning less than men from the beginning of the industrial economy and continuing, today to being discriminated against in the workplace.  Women, especially lesbians, tend to make less money than men.

Queer women also love to critique capitalist consumer society.  Combined with ideas about frugality, this makes an inexpensive beverage option like tea very appealing. A lot of our people have issues with a lot of different substances like caffeine, gluten, dairy, meat, alcohol, perfume, air, etc.  Tea offers an alternative to coffee, sugar, and booze, for folks on various versions of the No Fun Diet.  Plus, tea has the added benefit of a ritualized process — heat the water, wait to boil, wait for the tea to steep.  Having tea qualifies as an activity, if not actually cooking.

Have you heard the term “self care” yet?  Tea is the perfect way to nurture yourself with something healthy and soothing.  It seems like something that would encourage mindfulness.  Self care and mindfulness, two other things lesbians love.

Further, for our friends in the sexual market place, tea is a good alternative to other more fattening beverages like soda.* Tea has links to the granola lesbian subculture.  It’s plant based and very healthy.   Tea is hot and soothing.  Tea is fat and calorie free.  If people want to eat a plant based diet, tea is the perfect drink.

Lesbians and tea.  What’s up with that?

*Acknowledged controversial statement.

Lesbians Love Identity Words

Posted: December 1, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Butch, Femme, Identity, Lesbian, Queer | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The first thing to note in blogging about lesbian culture is that it’s impossible to blog about lesbian culture.  Why?  Because lesbians love identity words.  For example, here is the dictionary.com definition of lesbian:

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Now, ask ten women who date other women what the word lesbian means, and you will probably get ten different answers, including at least four that refuse to identify as lesbians and six that use one or more of these words:  queer, dyke, gay woman, genderqueer, butch, boi, stud, femme, high femme, fag, womyn, bulldagger, bulldyke, pansexual, omnisexual, bisexual, andro, aggressive/ag, dom, transmasculine, matcha.  For example, here’s how the Butch Voices conference describes just the more masculine end of the spectrum:

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Not only do lesbians love identity words, lesbians also love discussing what these words mean and whether it is possible to sustain one’s identity in view of someone who uses different identity words.  For example:

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So, lesbians and identity words.  What’s up with that?  Is it?

  • The genuine belief that while one word is insufficient to describe your identity, five words (radical-fairy-trans-queer-dyketron) are totally enough?
  • Something that can only be described using other fancy words, like heteronormopatriarchal?
  • The joy of getting to come out over and over and over again?
  • A uniquely lesbian love of seriousness and complexity, which can be matched only by other unique lesbian loves such as herbal tea and sea mammals?
  • A desire to distinguish ourselves from other lesbian-type people and stereotypes?  (I’m not a lesbian like Mullet Sally, I’m a genderqueer boi!)
  • A desire to be free from categories, while also being in entirely new ones?
  • A need to create new stereotypes, like all Dyketrons are robots with short blue hair?

Lesbians and identity words.  What’s up with that?